You Might Want Cash for Your Clunker If...

The Cash for Clunkers program passed Congress last week, providing rebates for people who trade in old cars and purchase new fuel-efficient vehicles. Participants can receive vouchers worth as much as $4500. Of course, we’re advocates of DIY mechanics—car owners who tinker with their vehicles until the car’s last faint, faltering breath. This is the truly economical (and environmentally friendly) way to treat vehicles. A true clunker, by this reasoning, is one that is beyond even our capable hands. Here, then, is how to tell if your beater is a real clunker—beyond help and ready for a government bailout.

• It’s wearing three (or more) different sizes of tire.
• Your bowling ball keeps falling out of the trunk, even when the trunk lid is closed.
• You need to add oil more often than you need to add gas.
• Dogs don’t bark and chase after it.
• You can only get country and western stations on the radio.
• There are mushrooms growing out of the rear-seat carpeting.
• You’ve gotten in the habit of leaving the jumper cables permanently attached to your battery.
• There’s more than one bumper sticker holding the rear bumper to the car.
• The color listed on the title is “Duct Tape.”
• Your pine-tree air freshener is a twig from an actual pine tree.
• When your CHECK ENGINE light comes on, you know from experience that you need to actually check to see if your engine is still there.
• Your ignition key also works in your lawn tractor.
• Driver’s seat upholstery is for sissies.
• Your seatbelts are made from leather.
• Your make, year and model isn’t even listed in the Blue Book.
• Your teenager doesn’t want to install an iPod dock.
• Your dog hides in the back seat instead of sticking his head out of the open window.
• Parking valets tip you to park it.
• Yugo drivers flip you off.
• You never throw out a clothes hanger; you might need it to hold up your tailpipe.

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